My Dearest ShuGar Loves,

I am back!!!!!! Well, sort of. Believe it or not, I have tried to write this post for over six months. Each and every time, life takes over and I just click “save draft” in the hopes that I will return one day. I thought it fitting that I would relaunch around the day I was born – really because I feel as though I have been reborn.

Before you think I am going to get all crazy existential and hippie-ish on you, do not despair. You may be wondering where I’ve been all this time. Guess what? I’ve been trying to figure that out myself. How is it that just giving birth to one little human can make it so hard to have time to myself to blog? As you know, I like to be honest with all you ShuGar Lovelies – I hope that is why you return time and time again to read my thoughts. So, here goes….the reality of motherhood.

I will not be sharing everything that has happened to me since my blog hiatus because it just wouldn’t be that exciting. The truth of motherhood is that it is filled with the sublime, the mundane, the exhaustion, the jubilee, and the despair all rolled into one. Being a mom is not for the faint of heart. We see all these nice photos on pinterest and instagram and they are all so pretty, but it is NOT motherhood.

Motherhood is staying up with your child all night when he has a fever; it is cleaning up his poo sometimes 5 times a day. At times, it is lying in bed with him all day and thinking life just could not get any better. It’s looking at your baby as he stands up for the first time and feeling so much happiness in your heart you feel as if it’s going to burst. It’s breastfeeding through pain, laughing at the silliest things, and carrying your 20-pound baby at all hours of the day. Blogging sometimes just can’t be fit into 24 hours of one day.

I may be breaking some parenting code here, but when you have a baby (this applies to both mommies and daddies, but I can only speak from the mommy perspective), your life is over. Your life, your identity, your pre-baby body is dead. Yes, I said it. But don’t take my word for it. One of my favorite quotes from my crush Bill Murray, playing Bob in Lost in Translation (love this film!!!) said it best.

The most terrifying day of your life is the day the first one is born…Your life, as you know it… is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk… and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most delightful people you will ever meet in your life.

And there you have it. “Your life, as you know it, is gone.” No one ever told me this. Or maybe they did and I just brushed it off because, after all, how hard could it be to raise a baby? When you have a child, your former life dies a quick death. Now, please don’t think I am morbid. I do believe you eventually get some of it back, but it will never be the same. Why? Because up until that moment when he is born, you never, ever knew that type of love existed. It’s all encompassing and forever will be. Those of us who are parents are so lucky to know this love.

I share these truths not to scare anyone, but to state why I have not returned. I have been trying to figure out who this new person is. This mother inside of me I never knew could be. For 15 months, I have been trying to survive sleepless nights while, at the same time, attempting to be a loving wife, a dedicated full-time employee, and a normal human being. The only thing I believe I have accomplished is learning how to be Camden’s mommy. I think I finally have that down.

I cannot commit to blogging on a regular basis. It is too much pressure on me. I can tell you that my heart needed to return. I had to give this gift to myself. The writer in me could not die. She is reborn.

I hope you stop by from time to time to continue to follow me on my love journey. I am sorry if you feel that I talk about my baby too much. I apologize for all the future posts that center too much on my life as a mommy. You may ask yourself, “Where is the old Mrs. ShuGar?” Well, dear loves, she is gone.

This is the new me. I am reborn. I am a mother. I am a writer. And, above all else, I am a  lover of love.

Thank you for sharing your hearts with me.

Photo credit: Peter Shushtari