Mommies vs. Non-Mommies


Mommy’s Corner is a weekly series exploring our journey in becoming parents, our love for our ShuGar baby, and general topics related to mommyhood.

Ladies, I’ve noticed that not only does there seem to be a divide between married and single gals, but there is also one between mommies and women who do not have kids. I wrote about the former a while back in this post and I loved reading your comments. It’s sort of fascinating how we pit ourselves against each other in these binary categories. Since I was formerly a non-mommy and I will soon enter the mommy club, I thought it would be interesting to have this conversation.

First of all, I admit before I was pregnant with ShuGar Boy, I, many times, felt so different to mommies. It’s as if I saw them living on an island that I would never be privy to. For example, I never understood why they changed their profile pictures to only have an image of their babies, or I was baffled by how many photos they would upload on facebook of their children doing the simplest things. It made me wonder. I also never quite got why every time I would have a convo with a mom, all she would talk about would be her kids. I remember thinking, “Do you have your own identity?”

Before I got married, I enjoyed my nomadic lifestyle. I reveled in the opportunity to live in another country whenever I could and most of my money was spent exploring the world and enjoying my life living in L.A. Having a baby was the last thing on my mind – it wasn’t even an afterthought.

Now that I am very pregnant, I can reflect on how remarkable life can bring change. I have made a conscious decision to close that chapter in my life to welcome our baby boy. We are blessed beyond measure. Before I depart forever from the non-mommy world, I’d like to help bridge the gap between both of our worlds by providing clarification on some misconceptions and/or mysteries about these two groups of women.

Women without kids are not empty

Now, this is a general statement, but just because a woman doesn’t have children doesn’t mean they have a vapid life. They have plenty of commitments which fill their daily lives, including their families, their interests and their careers. They don’t have hours to spare on weekends because they, too, have bills to pay, laundry to wash, people to see, and careers to attend to. Their lives are full, even though it may not involve little ones. I used to get annoyed when I would hear a mom tell me, “You don’t know what busy is.” Although there may be truth to that at some level, I know plenty of non-mommies, including myself at the time, whose lives were filled to the brim with commitments.

Moms are truly in love

The reason many mamas share pics on facebook or cannot stop talking about their babies is because they are beaming with love. It’s like the moment you met that one guy you can’t stop gushing over, but times a trillion because, in most cases, it involved carrying this person inside of you for nine months. The love is endless and all moms want to do is share the love. It’s not to annoy others, but instead to let the world know how madly in love you are. The love runs so deep you would do absolutely anything and everything for your baby. I had a non-mommy friend once tell me, “Just have one glass of wine. I’m sure the baby will be fine.” At that moment I realized the difference between mamas and non-mamas. The sacrifices we make as parents pale in comparison to protecting our little ones. We would give it all up in a flash as long as our babies are safe and loved.

Many Non-Mommies are childless by choice

This is, of course, not the case with all women, but many non-mommies made a conscious  life choice to not have kids. They don’t have any regrets. They decided to pursue other goals and they shouldn’t be pitied. For the most part, most childless women who chose to not have kids lead fulfilling lives and don’t cry at night because they don’t have kids. I must acknowledge that there are those childless women who, by circumstances beyond their control, have no babies and it may be a painful choice they have had to come to terms with. Nevertheless, there are those women who never wanted to have children and it’s perfectly ok. You can still be considered feminine without having a child.

Moms are still cool

No, not all moms drive mini-vans or wear mom jeans. I’m picturing Cindy Walsh from Beverly Hill, 90210 who had the most hideous fashion. One of my closest friends is a major MILF and you would never know she had two kids. Mamas can still look hot and clean their baby’s poo-poo. They can dance, they may know the latest in music, while still keeping up-to-date on the latest trends in mommy world. They’re cool like that. I’d like to consider myself a MILF-in-training. No mom jeans will touch this body!

Women without kids have dreams too

Non-mommy dreams may just be different from mommies’. They might be saving money to buy a home, to move to a different country, to invest in the stock market, to buy those cute pair of shoes, and/or to have a girls’ trip. They shouldn’t be shamed by having these ambitions, regardless of how shallow it may appear to some mommies out there. They deserve to pursue those dreams, which can make their happiness a reality. These goals are just as valid as a mommy’s hopes.

Moms aren’t boring; They’re just really tired

I have yet to encounter the extent to which this statement is true, but I can taste it with the obligations I have had to attend to once I found out we were expecting. There is a lot of preparing for baby that comes in this nine month period. Plus, you are carrying a 25-pound bowling ball while you try to go about your “normal” life. I know this will multiply ten-fold the moment ShuGar Baby is born. Therefore, when people ask a mom to go out and she turns you down, it’s because, with the very little time she has, she would rather spend it with her precious baby, and/or she is exhausted from the massive to-do list she is still working on. Moms carry a lot of obligations and guilt many times. It’s the most important job I know I will ever have because it’s based on eternal love. Mommies don’t go to that bar at night because it would be a burden to their bodies and, more often than not, they enjoy just spending time with their families.

Non-mommies miss their mommy friends

Even though many non-mommies understand a mommy’s busy life, they still wish they could spend more time with their mama friends. They miss you and the friendship that was pre-baby. They look forward to the next time you have a free moment to spare so that they can catch up with you. Non-mommies are empathetic and nostalgic for their mommy pals. It’s a genuine love and they sure miss their mommy besties.

Mommies need breaks

Despite the fact that mommies are dedicated 200% to their families, they need a mental and physical break to keep their minds and bodies healthy. Just because a mommy may call you in desperation that she needs to get away, it does not mean she regrets being a mom or that she is in an unhappy marriage. She just needs to recharge every once in a while to maintain sanity. Mommies juggle a lot of responsibilities and being a mom is the hardest job of all because you are responsible for the well-being of a little person. Talk about pressure! They, too, can get burned out and need some breathing space to continue with parenting’s joys and challenges.

Mommy and Non-Mommies are both super women

Although there may be differences among these two female populations, they still have many similarities. The biggest I can see is that regardless if any woman has a child or not, all women are warriors. They deserve credit for all that they do for their jobs, families, homes, and themselves on a daily basis. Women are definitely Wonder Women – they deserve praise for all they do. Mommies and non-mommies should recognize that they are on the same team, but may just be playing with different equipment. In my most humble opinion, I quote Queen Bey when I say, “Girls Run this World.” We need to wake up and recognize we are all sistahs from other mistas!

Mommies and non-mommies, what thoughts do you have of each other? Are there misconceptions you had before that you now recognize as being inaccurate? Do you ever wonder how the other side lives their lives? Do you only associate with “your own kind”? Why?

P.S. Here’s a funny non-mommy blog and more insight into mommy world from my sweet bloggy friend, Kristy, from Twist & Sprinkle.

Photo credit: Wonder Woman

  • Beautiful way to sum it up between the two different kinds of women. Our priorities are a bit different, and we have changed a bit since becoming mothers, but that doesn’t mean that we care less. Becoming a mother is like a huge chasm that one crosses, but once you make it to the other side, the world looks so different to you.

    • That’s right, Kalley! We certainly don’t care less, it’s just our priorities have shifted and we look at life differently. It’s too bad that there is a divide sometimes, but it’s nice to talk about both sides to create empathy.

  • Kristen Genevieve

    I agree that women should stop judging each other and realize we all have our own crosses to bear and dreams to fulfill. Life is so much better, no matter what path you choose, when you stop worrying about being “cool” and start doing what makes you happy. No disrespect, but I personally reject the “cool mom” image because I believe it focuses how others perceive you – and frankly, I don’t care what anyone thinks of me except my husband! (I used to care sooo much, and its so much more freeing this way!)
    In my opinion, you don’t have to feel like you’re missing out on something when you’re content with your own life. I agree, some women are truly complete without kids. Other women want kids but also need a career to fill their soul (like my own mama!). Still others decide that they can only give and become 100% of themselves if they focus their energy on being a parent. I don’t think any of these things are wrong.
    There is so much judgement between non-moms and moms, but also within the “mommy club” that it makes women feel guilty and like they are missing out or not doing things the “right” way. I definitely have strong convictions about the way I want to live my life, but who am I to say what’s right or wrong for anyone else? Life is tough enough, why make someone feel bad about the way they live theirs?

    Love your posts, as always! 🙂

    xo kristen genevieve

    • Very well said, Kristen! It really is sad how we women do this to ourselves. We judge and then we create this competition among our own sisters. It shouldn’t be that way. People will judge no matter what; It’s up to us to not let us be affected by it. I really think that the older I get, the less I care what others think of my choices. Nevertheless, it still is happening so I wanted to bring light to something that I’ve noticed. Being “cool” is defined individually. What I think is cool may not jive with you, etc. It’s about being self-confident with our life choices and being at peace with them. This way judgment can just roll off of you. I too have a strong personality and I certainly don’t let others tell me how to live my life. It’s just weird when we create this divide when we should be supporting our life choices.

      Thanks, always, for visiting and sharing! I love reading your comments because they are always so insightful =)

      • Kristen Genevieve

        Preach, sista! haha 🙂

  • shy

    another interesting topic would be the division between some stay-at-home-moms and working moms. *whew!* both sides try to define why their way is the better way. it’s almost scary to hear what comes out of both sides.

    • Oh my gosh….that’s a big one I’ve seen! I’ve noticed what you said and it’s kind of crazy. I also see there being weird vibes among single mamas and mamas who have partners. It’s like one group can’t bitch because they consider that group “lucky” for having a certain “benefit” that they may not have. Oh, wow….it gets so complicated and ugly! Hmmmm….maybe I’ll tackle this one at some point because I can feel it already =)

  • Etta

    When I was younger I use to go stay with my sister for the summer. At that time, she had three kids. She would sleep in every morning and leave me to watch her kids. I would get so mad because sometimes it would be noon before she would wake. Now that I have a son I totally understand the value of sleep when you have a kid or kids. Never take it for granted. 🙂
    Being a mom, I think, is the most surreal feeling. I look at my son in wonder because he is literally a part of me and my husband. He is us and we are him. It is so deep and so real. Being able to create life is a beautiful thing.

    • Thanks for sharing your experience, Amanda. I could see why you felt frustrated and also how your sister would be so tired. There’s always another side to how we feel. Everyone tells us to get enough sleep now. I know that is not an understatement since everyone says the same thing. What you said about being a mom is beautiful. So touching. That is the part that just gets to me – he’s us and we are him. Yes! It really feels like a miracle and sometimes I still can’t believe we are going to meet him soon. It’s beyond surreal. Here we go!

  • Julie

    This blog post is great!

  • Tania Franco

    I have friends on both sides of the spectrum, since I am a mommy- but not a new mommy. I go out with many single friends, and friends that are mommies themselves. I do think that those that have not experienced parenthood have a hard time understanding why you don’t have time to hang out as much, but any good friend will eventually get the hang of what mommyhood is all about. They will be there for you through thick and thin!


    • So very true, Tania! Seems like you have a bit from both words at this stage of mommyhood for you. I do remember wondering why my mama friends would disappear, but now I get it. Those friends that stay with you through it all are keepers. There are not many that are like that. It’s a blessing to have friends that will love you regardless if you are a mommy or not. True gifts! Thanks for sharing!