Married Girls vs. Single Girls

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Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of articles out there pitting married girls against single girls.  It’s the “us” versus “them” language that I have found really intriguing being a newlywed myself.  It appears that once you get married, some single gals think we have crossed over to the dark side and no longer empathize with our single friends.  We become consumed with our “we” isms and are blinded by everlasting love.  Say what?

First of all, married life is not some utopia. It’s really hard work to maintain some iota of happiness and it just doesn’t magically appear every day as you slip on your wedding ring when you wake up.  It’s not easier or harder than being single, just different.  People who fantasize that being married will solve all their issues are in for a rude awakening.  If anything, marriage magnifies any baggage you bring into the relationship.

Also, please know that I was never one of those girls who was obsessed with getting married and having kids. That was sooo not me! I thought about it, but I also had a lot of other dreams that consumed my existence.

According to this article in Hello Giggles, some married girls can be annoying and be insensitive to the plight of singletons.  Apparently, once you say, “I do” some married women get instant amnesia about their life pre-wedding.  I don’t refute that there are women who obnoxiously claim martial bliss to their single friends, and I pity those poor single girls who have to suffer through that.  However, if I can speak in defense of us married gals, I have never forgotten my single days. Ever.  It’s one of the memories which gives me a daily reminder that I made the right choice.  Big time.  I remember how brutal it can to go through heart break after heart break and see no end in sight.  I can still picture myself with those men who weren’t worthy of having my heart.  Again, helpful reminders of why I chose Mr. ShuGar.  Just because we are married doesn’t mean we oversimplify a single girl’s existence.

I am happily married (with our bumps along the way) because I chose the right man.  Mr. ShuGar didn’t just automatically fall onto my lap and then get on one knee to propose.   I made a lot of bad and some good choices to get me to be ready for real love.  I was whole when I met him as was he.  Years before, I was broken, insecure and didn’t know what I deserved.

This brings me to my second point: settling to get married.  One of my favorite daily reads is Mara’s A Blog About Love.  She is so candid about her marriage and really tackles a lot of similar issues I discuss on my blog.  She brought up this whole “settling” for Mr. Good Enough instead of a reincarnation of Ryan Gosling.  To begin, I want my blog to be a no judgment zone.  If you are married and settled for whoever was so-so at the time, good for you.  You made the choice that was best for you and I respect that.

The larger issue is whether single girls should hold out hope for Mr. Prince Charming who is an Ivy League graduate, drives a Mercedes, is a partner at a prestigious law firm, likes to massage your feet after a long day at work and has a heart of gold.  This man probably does exist out there, but good luck waiting for meeting him.  Perfection does not exist, but only you can decide what your deal breakers are.  If you believe you can be happy with settling for something other than butterflies (Sex & the City reference from my girl Carrie), more power to ya!  Personally, I couldn’t do it.  Life is so challenging that I wanted to have a partner who inspired me to smile at the very look of him.

We need to embrace our choices and be responsible for them.  A close friend of mine once told me that dating is a preview of marriage.  If you see red flags while you are dating someone, walk away.  Marriage will only inflame those issues by 1,000%.  Time and time again I see ladies complain about their significant others and do nothing about it.  They continue to stay with their boyfriend in the hopes that he will change.  *Hint* He ain’t changing!  If you decide to marry this person, you need to understand that this is your choice and own it.  Don’t later play the victim. It’s so un-adult to do that.

Before I met Mr. ShuGar, I peacefully accepted that I may never find the man I want to marry.  I reevaluated my mistakes of the past and had certain criteria I was looking for in a husband.  I decided if I couldn’t find these characteristics, then I would remain single and I was ok with that. Acceptance was the point when I met Mr. ShuGar.  Out of nowhere, here he came and made me believe in love again, but a more profound love that I didn’t even know existed.  I was mature enough to realize that nice guys don’t finish last.  They actually make great husbands and don’t cheat on you.

So, single ladies, us married gals have your back.  We feel you.  We are not your frenemies.  We support your choices, and hope you make them wisely.  You deserve a man to love and respect you.  You shouldn’t settle for anything less.  Oh, and if being married is your ultimate goal, don’t lose hope.  Every married day reminds you how every decision you made and every tear you shed was worth it to bring you to this person you vowed to love for an eternity.

Cup of ShuGar is a series exploring the sweetness of life. For more Cup of ShuGar, click here!    

P.S. More reading about Smug Marrieds.

Photo credit: Carrie Bradshaw  

  • Thanks you so much for this x

    • Mrs. ShuGar

      You’re welcome, Michelle! Happy you liked it =)

  • Perpetually single gal here. I think for me, the issue I have with my married friends is that they forget about us single people. Like, literally. They no longer call, want to hang out, come to group functions, etc. Even if I call them, it’s like, “Ooh Mr. needs me. Gotta go.” I realize I’m not married them them, but what am I, chopped liver? It’s like suddenly they’re in a new social club and their single friends are no longer on the radar.

    I am now in my early-30’s and have lost many, many friends to marriage. I’m happy for them, sure, but I miss them too. I get that they have new commitments now, but it still hurts when people who used to care about their friendship with me and my other single friends now seemingly don’t.

    So… as one single gal to you, a newly married gal, my advice to you would be to not forget your single friends! As in… actually invite them over, call them, etc. Don’t be anti-social just because you have a new family now.

    • Mrs. ShuGar

      Jennifer, I am so happy you left this comment. I really appreciate your response. I feel so bad that you see this happen with your married friends. It’s unfortunate. I really can’t speak on behalf of all your friends, but I can share maybe some insight.

      When you get married, a friendship is going to have to change. That’s just the way it is, no matter what. If kids are involved, it will change even more. It’s not going to be the same because all of a sudden you have priorities that you have to attend. Regarding no longer calling, maybe she can’t call as often as she did, but she should still make time to call every once in a while. The thing is, you are hardly home with your husband and when you get home he is waiting to see you all day and dinner needs to be done and then the night slips away from you. All of a sudden, time becomes less and that may explain some. The same goes with going out. You have to be considerate of another person’s time and their feelings, which, at times, may conflict with her life as a single gal. I still think women should pick a man who supports her having a life and identity for her own. It’s healthier, but doesn’t always happen with some women’s choices.

      I definitely don’t forget my single friends, but they know I can’t see them as often as before because my life has changed. Doesn’t mean I don’t love them anymore and we still talk. Yes! Inviting them over and hanging out is def important to maintain any relationship. When kids are involved, it complicates things and I think a woman feels pulled into many directions and it’s a lot of pressure. Maybe being sensitive to that and sharing your feelings with her when she is not stressed.

      I love your comments! Any girl would be so lucky to have you as a friend!

  • Bravo Carmen! Your a pretty smart cookie!

    • Mrs. ShuGar

      Thanks, sweet Fran! I love you!

  • My sentiments exactly! Very well said. Love your writing style! From #FF

  • Mrs. ShuGar

    Thanks so much, Karen! So happy to have connected with you. I appreciate your kind words. You are sweetheart!

  • Julie

    My husband and I both became content with life before we met each other.