Three Words

I forgive You

Eleven letters. Fourteen characters. Three words.

I forgive you.

It has been a life-long struggle of mine to say these words and mean them. In my adult years, I have mastered the other three words  – I am sorry. Those words were high priority in order to succeed in relationships and also at work. Now, I can say “I am sorry” with conviction. But those other three words – I forgive you – still cause me anguish.

I’m not referring to when someone is late to a meeting and you forgive him for being tardy. No, I am talking about the forgiveness you give when someone you loved blatantly and unequivocally broke your heart. When it comes to a broken heart, I have not mastered forgiveness.

I don’t regret having had my heart broken. In fact, I appreciate it now because it made me stronger and taught me what I deserve. I am also not still in love with him anymore.  That’s not what this is about. I have moved on and found love, a deeper love, and I am thankful every moment of my existence.  That heartbreak ultimately brought me to Mr. ShuGar.

However, the aftereffects of a broken heart still linger in subtle ways. Sometimes I don’t even realize the scars remain because they are usually hidden and rarely on my mind. When Mr. ShuGar and I have certain arguments, I know that it’s not always what he has done, but what someone else in my past has done to me. Just because you can’t see something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. I understand now that in order for me to release this ghost I must forgive him. Three not-so-easy words.

This is not the time or place to air out my dirty laundry. Nor do I want to bash him. That would mean that I hold resentment and, thankfully, I don’t any more. Yet, experiencing betrayal is earth shattering. It makes you doubt everything from that moment forward and everything before that moment. This is why trust is so valuable. It’s the foundation of a healthy relationship.

The reason I have a hard time with forgiveness is because I wonder if all was just a lie. Was he lying when he said I love you? Was he just using me from day one? What kind of a person betrays and humiliates someone they love like that? These are questions that still haunt me and remain roadblocks in my path towards forgiveness. How can I forgive what someone did to me when I would never do those same things to anyone I loved?

The challenging part is that I cannot get answers. Forgiveness comes despite getting all the answers. This kills me. If I had all the facts, then I could make an informed decision. But, life is not black and white. It’s moments of gray that are nebulous.

I don’t wish him any harm. I actually hope he is happy wherever he is. I hope I can say those three words one day so that I can feel a sense of release. Without forgiveness, there is a weight on your heart. It sometimes clouds your judgment. I know the moment you open your heart, it becomes vulnerable. That is love – a leap of faith. The heart has an amazing capacity to not only heal, but to forgive. I pray my heart mends and embraces those three words one day.

I want to forgive you….one day.

* P.S. A good friend recommended this book about forgiveness – “Forgive for Good” by Dr. Fred Luskin. It’s on my reading list and I will review it once I read it.

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  • Loved this post. Thank you so much for sharing. And it will happen. If you want it to happen, it will. (One little tip that helped me…I used love to help me out. You know, love for my future spouse, children, loved ones, etc. It helped so much to have that motivation to let forgiveness happen…so that I could be free and be my best self for others.) Have a great day!! xo

    • Hi Mara! Thank you so much for reading my post. You’re so lovely. I can’t believe you took time to read it!

      Thank you for the words of encouragement about forgiveness. I love that the foundation is love. It heals everything. I hope to one day be there and feel a sense of release. I feel that I am on that path. Reading your blog helps me get there because it makes me feel not so alone in this struggle.

      Thank you for your amazing contribution to the blogging community! It inspires me daily =)

    • Forgetting definitely is the key to foernvgiess. Without it , itb4s not really foernvgiess. I really think itb4s the reason a marriage can work too. Sometimes having a bad memory works in our favor! It seems the longer I am married the shorter memory I have! hehethanks for your encouraging comments about the chores. I am working up to having them help with laundry. It would be a wonderful help. They do sort the dirty clothes and fold clean clothes. I run the machine at the moment but when asked they do their part. It would be great if they could get to doing it without me asking.

  • Theresa, I agree with Dani forgiveness wtohiut forgetting isn’t really forgiveness. We have to look at Christ as our example. I have heard well meaning Christians say, well, I forgive you, but I will never trust you with that again. The heart of that is because you did me wrong, I won’t forget it! ever! The lack of forgiveness only steals from us and opens the door for the enemy to have a foothold in our life. The more we understand our own debt being paid in full with nothing held over our heads as payment, the more we can give back out to others all that we have received.

  • Julie

    I forgive you – may be three words that are hard to say sometimes.