BFF – How Do You Know When It’s Over?

Image from Wikipedia

Image from Wikipedia

As a child, my sister and I watched a lot of movies. Maybe it was a combination of growing up in L.A. and having protective parents who each worked full-time jobs. Whatever the reason, we spent a lot of time indoors. It was safer for two girls to stay at home during those long summer months than to allow us to run around the neighborhood. Hence, movies became a fun way to pass the time. One of our favs was Beaches, a story of two women who met as children and grew to be the best of friends, despite being polar opposites on many levels – Hilary came from a privileged background and became an attorney and CC from a working-class family pursuing her life-long dream to be a successful entertainer. As a little girl, I wanted to have a best friend, just like in Beaches.

For reasons that I will not divulge here, I have struggled with female friendships throughout my life. With women, there can be so much jealousy, cattiness and drama involved and I have not had great experiences with girly BFFs. I know I am partly to blame for the circumstances that have led to the dissolution of several female friendships. This is probably why I loved the idea of a male BFF – less drama involved.

I have been fortunate to have a male BFF who has been a great friend for over a decade now. I am also lucky to have some truly amazing girl friends – they are my heart and they know it. My BFF was there when my first marriage crumbled; we’ve traveled the globe together and he was my bridesman at my wedding. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. At least, not until now.

When someone starts a new relationship, things change in a friendship because a new person is added to the circle. You want to spend more time with your new love and the friendship gets downgraded a bit. It’s only natural – it happens. In a marriage, your spouse (and child ) takes priority above all else. You must take his/her feelings into consideration and you no longer have much time for other areas of your life. Life has a strange way of weeding out friends so that when the years go by, only the truest of friends stick around. However, sometimes, relationships dissolve and the circumstances are beyond your control.

We never had any huge fight or have ever even discussed this issue, but I feel like the BFF I once had no longer exists, or least not the way he once did. I sometimes wish we had had a fight like in this scene in Beaches because then our hearts would have been exposed. But, alas, I choose to blog rather than argue.


Yet, I wonder if this is just a consequence of life and two people evolving. When people find love and bring another person into their life, the dynamics of all relationships in their inner circle are bound to change in some way. You can no longer expect to have them available at all times or do the same things you once did together. Mr. ShuGar learned this the hard way by losing one of his BFFs when we started dating. It’s unfortunate, but se la vie. Ironically, I now find myself in that same predicament and I am asking myself, “How do you know when your friendship is over?”

At this time, I think I am mourning the friendship we had and learning to accept a new reality. I would rather do that than lose the entire friendship. Nevertheless, it hurts and I am sad. I hope I can reach the point where I accept the new friendship and its evolution. After all, BFFs are forever; at least you are blessed if they are.

  • Timmy

    Well, I have been anxiously awaiting a new post from you. They are a breath of fresh air. However, I am saddened to read that you think that this may be the end of your BFF. I don’t know the whole story so it’s hard to say, but I know first hand what this friendship meant and continues to means to you. I think that friendships are constantly evolving as we are. They cannot stay the same and if your friendship cannot evolve with you, then maybe it is the end of that time with your friend. However, I don’t think this is the case with your BFF because he is not just your friend but your family too. Relationships/friendships sometimes hit a rough spot and it’s not always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes your friendship needs an opportunity to reboot. Maybe this it’s your time to reboot.

    • Hey, Tims…thanks for your insight. Yeah, I don’t think it’s the end of the entire friendship, just what it was. It can’t be the same because things change. It is evolving and right now it is in that limbo stage. Either way, change can be difficult, but you eventually learn to adapt. I think you can speak about that. Thanks for understanding and even more thanks for reading.